I Think My Wife Is Trying to Kill Me . . .

I think my wife is trying to kill me. . .

HA HA HA. Just kidding. I love you baby!

Michelle reads my blog and so I thought I would write this post just to get her attention. No, my wife is not trying to kill me. I thought I would be a swinging single bachelor hooking up with crazy women with self-esteem/drug/family/money/psychotic issues until I hit that strange demographic of the older single never been married live with my mother pedophile stage. Until I met Michelle. I knew she was everything I ever wanted in a soulmate (Yeah, I hate it when other people gush about their relationships, so my apologies, this is rather disgusting . . .). But of course, because she was so perfect, she ignored me the first time we met and continued to ignore me afterwards (and it wasn’t because I wasn’t trying . . .). But that’s a story for another post . . .

In a former life, I was a criminal defense attorney and I now watch my share of news shows. So, I’ve gleaned these lessons if you ever want to get away with killing a spouse (because the same things happen over and over again):

HOW NOT TO KILL YOUR SPOUSE

1) NEVER EVER TAKE OUT AN INSURANCE POLICY ON YOUR SPOUSE

It seems everyone thinks they’re being slick by taking out life insurance policy THREE months before the “accident” or whatever tragedy that they’re actively premeditating. If you want to make an easy 100K by killing your spouse via a life insurance policy, seriously, dude, look elsewhere. There are better ways of doing it. Get a better job. Kill a mid-level drug dealer. Become a prostitute. The life insurance angle always creates suspicion. Especially if you max it.  This is an old old story and the cops know it and so does the jury (please see Double Indemnity).  High life insurance policy = motive.

2) NEVER EVER GIVE OUT A MEDIA INTERVIEW

Guilty people, especially those that think they are smart enough to fool everyone. And usually these smug bastards are never as smart as they think they are. Kind of like that obnoxious guy at work who likes to correct everyone. That obnoxious guy is an idiot. Providing un-retractable statements to the media leads only to your demise. Cuz you’re not as smart as you think you are.

3) NEVER HIRE A MEDIA ATTORNEY

And what I mean by “media” attorney, is someone who is more interested in his or her own profile than in your case. Enough said.

Although the one guy who’s in the press a lot is Tom Mesereau, of Michael Jackson fame. Despite his proclivity towards double breasted suits, I’ve seen him in action and he’s good. But I don’t think he seeks publicity in the way some other attorneys do. I think he still cares about his craft.

4) NEVER HIRE SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT

Because, as we all know, good help is hard to find.

One thought on “I Think My Wife Is Trying to Kill Me . . .

Add yours

  1. Should I try to make it look like a suicide? or an industrial accident? Either way, it would bring shame and humiliation upon his family.

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